Letting go of control

If you are not someone with control issues then this post won’t really make sense to you, you may even think I am a little crazy.  Something I have been really trying to work on is letting go of control.  I am a planner; I like to know what I am doing and when I am going to do it.  I like to lead the charge in planning activities.  If you ask Derek, he would tell you I always make our schedule.  This is just my natural state, how I feel the most comfortable.  I like to be the driver, figuratively and literally (Derek does love having a personal chauffer). 

So, with all the changes I am going through, this is a step that will help me.  I figure if I get more comfortable when I am not in control then it will be easier for me to make the changes I need to make.  Since this is such a tough thing for me I am going with the baby steps approach, small victories every day.  I know if I go at this on a large scale it will just cause me too much anxiety.

Yesterday morning was my first baby step of letting go of control and yes it was super tough for me.  On Tuesday and Thursday mornings Derek and I will go to the Santa Monica stairs.  We like to vary it up, changing how many sets we do, what running we do in between, etc.  If you had to guess who picks the workout we do I am sure you would choose me, and you are correct.  This morning I turned over control to Derek.  We drove down to the stairs, parked and I said “okay babe, tell me what we are doing.” 

This may seem like such a small trivial thing but if you could see the anxiety in my chest you would understand this was hard for me. It isn’t that Derek can’t pick a good workout, he was most likely going to do something harder than we normally do, but the fact of not knowing and not planning was killing me.   I took a deep breath and let him lead. 

I can’t tell you that it went well and I was totally ok with it because that would be a lie.  After about every round I kept saying “well maybe we should do this or maybe we can do this,” to which Derek politely replied, no.  I need to give him a huge shout out for not getting frustrated with me and being supportive. 

We finished the workout (I added a little extra run at the end but mostly because I felt like I could do more) and nothing catastrophic happened.  The sun didn’t burn out, the moon didn’t fall from the sky, nothing bad happened when I wasn’t in control.  I did it, I took my first baby step.  I was really proud of this and I actually felt really good about it.

I know this is something I am going to have to be diligent about.  It is so easy for me to slip back into a routine of scheduling and planning, it is like second nature I don’t even realize it.  Each day I am going to have to make a conscious effort to let go of the reins a little bit.  I can wake up and not have a workout scheduled, just see what my body is feeling.  I can not plan out what I am cooking for dinner and let Derek suggest something for me to make.  I could even switch up my standard meals and snacks that I have daily (even though I really just love them.)

This is going to be a long road.  I have basically had 27 years of a type A personality that drives me to like and need control.  I know I have to be patient with myself, that I am not going to get rid of all the anxiety over night.  I am determined to be more comfortable with letting go of control because I know in the long run it is super beneficial for me.  We want to start a family sometime in the not so distant future and I know once kids come around, plans will get messed up all the time.  I want to be comfortable when that happens.  Every day on this journey is a step in the right direction, taking care of my physical, mental and emotional help.  And thank you Derek for being my biggest support system, I love you.