E-book teaser part 2
Now let us get to another big part of my journey, the insomnia. In the summer of 2014, I started working for the fitness studio Rise Nation. It was a new class concept, using a versa climber set up in a studio kind of like how a spin studio would be set up. I was one of the original instructors who worked closely with the owner to structure out how classes would be. I absolutely loved it. I was part of something new and cool and also it was a kick ass workout so I knew it would keep me in great shape. One thing I was not the best at was the music and rhythm aspect of it. I have no rhythm and am awkwardly uncoordinated. For the other instructors, it seemed that the beats of music came so naturally and they could cue moves so perfectly with the beat. I on the other hand had to practice constantly. I would go to the studio every time I had new songs and would spend hours getting the beat down. When I made a new playlist for class I would spend the entire day before listening to it over and over again to make sure I had it down. This worry that I was going to mess up and miss a beat kept me up at night. I would try falling asleep and the songs would just play in my head. This is where my anxiety about sleep all started. Not only would I stay awake for hours, but then I would be so tired for class that I felt I was failing anyway. It was not the best fit for me but I was so determined to make it work, I wanted to show myself that I could do it. It was around May 2016 when one of the lead teachers took me aside and told me I had to start bringing more to my classes, that maybe I should train with some of the new teachers before I could teach again. This absolutely crushed me. It was yet another voice telling me that I had failed, that I wasn’t good enough. Something I would discover later on was that it also created a story that told me when I didn’t sleep well, I would perform poorly, and I wouldn’t be good enough. This would create such a fear about not sleeping that it would stick with me long after I left that job.
Time to bring my husband Derek into the picture. Derek and I met on a dating app in April 2015. We met for coffee as our first date, went on a hike the next day, had our first kiss and basically saw each other every day after that. When we started dating was when I was suffering from my insomnia but didn’t understand why. But my insomnia actually helped me as well, it gave me an excuse. See, I really liked Derek, something felt different with him, it was a relationship I didn’t want to run away from. It was also a relationship that was a threat to my identity, to my fitness and wellness persona that I held onto so tightly. Derek loves going out, hanging out with friends, going to dinner, having some drinks at a bar and these were all things that were threatening to me. In the very beginning I would just put on a brave face and go out to eat and stay up later than I wanted to but I would make up for it somehow the next day. But as things got more serious, I couldn’t keep that up. Then I realized I had an excuse, I had my insomnia. I could say I needed to leave a party early because I had to get home to my nighttime routine or I wouldn’t sleep. I could say that I had to do an earlier dinner so I had time to get ready for bed. I could use my insomnia to stay in my safe box I had created. The thing is though; I couldn’t just pick and choose when I could use the excuse. Even when I wanted to go and do things, I still had that fear and panic about not sleeping. It wasn’t something I could turn on and off. Things were so bad that if I did go out, I would come home and pop Advil PM or Nyquil, anything to get myself to sleep. During the summer when we were wedding planning, I gave myself stomach ulcers from taking so much Advil PM. It was after we were married that I truly started to realize that things were not normal, that there was something not right about my situation. It had gotten so bad that I wouldn’t want to leave our apartment after 6pm because I had such a strict nighttime routine that I had to follow. If Derek or friends asked for us to go to dinner my immediate reaction would be panic, my chest would get tight and I would just yell no I can’t.
Derek did the best he could to be supportive. There were nights he would stay up and rub my head and help me breathe through an anxiety attack about not sleeping. He would hold me as I laid in bed sobbing because I was so tired and I just wanted to sleep. It was also having a huge impact on his happiness. We couldn’t be a normal newlywed couple. I didn’t want to go out to dinner, I didn’t want to go to the movies, I didn’t want to go out with friends or have friends over. I was so afraid of not sleeping that I didn’t want to do anything outside of our home at night. Traveling, something we love, was extremely stressful. I would always have to make sure I had enough sleeping aids to knock me out at night, leaving me tired and groggy and grumpy the next day. It was such a viscous cycle. What I later would learn was that my self-worth was so wrapped up in my identity of being fit and healthy that I was petrified of being tired. I thought that if I was tired then I wouldn’t be good enough. I wouldn’t be a good enough wife or yoga teacher or student or friend. I wouldn’t be healthy if I was tired, I would start to look old if I was tired. I was SO afraid of not sleeping and being tired that I wouldn’t sleep. How ironic is that.